Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Stop the world, I want to get off!!!

Today, or more specifically tonight was one of those nights. You know the one, when you want to pack your bags and just walk out! A major part is darling Tasha who has discovered how to have the kicking and screaming and throw yourself all over the floor tantrums! What she hasn't discovered is that it isn't getting her anywhere with me. But she gets a reaction when she goes and hurts one of the other kids. Usually a smack on the backside or hand and sent to bed until she calms down. I eventually sent Becker a message telling him that the way she was going she would be black and blue before she went to sleep. Besides the constant hitting and hair pulling and toy snatching etc on her part, she unrolled yet another roll of toilet paper into the toilet. That was the last straw for me and I sent her to her bed and told her if she knew what was good for her not to show her face to me again for the rest of the night.

I guess she took me literally cause she pulled her blanket over her head and went to sleep. Later when I carefully pulled the blanket back a bit, she stirred and again covered her head. Pity she didn't stay asleep. Becker stopped home, probably to do a body count and perhaps see if any of them needed medical attention, so she decided she had had a nap so time to get back up again. Boy did she get a rude shock! She was sent back to bed again and again and again and again....... You get the picture. I had to laugh when he made the comment "She is a persistent little shit". Why did he think she was in so much trouble for the night? Cause she had been a perfect little angel?? I think it would be safe to say it was because she was being a persistent little shit.

Eddie wasn't being much help. Half the time it was something he did that upset her, though to give him credit most of the time it upset her only because she didn't do it first! But he was also being naughty. He kept telling me he wanted a drink, to which he got my standard "that's nice". Eventually I asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to use his manners with his mummy. He gave a very clear and definite "NO" as an answer to which he was told that since he won't be nice to me he can go without! Yet again Daddy came to the rescue when he came home and reminded him to use his manners and to tell me he was sorry and to ask properly.

Tiffany was doing really well tonight heading off at bedtime to clean her teeth. Pity it took her an hour to clean her teeth and sort her bed out and she finally remembered to bring her lunchbox out to the kitchen. It was only a day late! Yet she didn't think about giving me the school newsletter from Tuesday that was sitting on the floor of her room. She spent the day either watching TV or reading apart from when we dragged her out the house when we went out. She had to be told yet again to empty the recycling which everyone was falling over since it was overflowing. Turns out the overflow was equivalent to another crate full. That is the one real housework job she has apart from supposedly keeping her room reasonably clean and she still can't remember it. She was already in bed when she found my final straw with her. Yet again she hadn't bothered to get her uniform ready for tomorrow so she would have had to come into my room to get her skirt which could wake up Eddie if he was still asleep. Sounds trivial but it is the trivial things that build up and bring everything to a head.

Sometimes it feels like I spend my whole life being for everyone else and not getting to be for me or getting what I want. Right now I am having a real problem with being homesick. I just want to be with my family. My oldest son had his court hearing on Tuesday and I didn't even know the exact date it was on, nor could I be there to support him or Mum. I haven't seen my son for over 4 years!! We just can't afford the airfares (min $600 per person plus expenses). We were meant to be there now, having moved back to Qld but Becker pulled the plug on that a few months ago, after I had spent 4 months planning, buying a van, etc. Seems he couldn't stand the idea of moving away from a family he rarely sees or is interested in seeing. I had even worked out with some tough saving he could come over to see them once a year or pay the airfares for his kids to visit us once or twice a year. Instead I am stuck here being the support network for him and the kids but what choice do I have? Tear this household apart because my heart is aching beyond description with the need to be near my firstborn and my parents? To spend time with my grandmother before she dies? To be able to attend her funeral when that does happen? I missed my grandfather's funeral and I had to suck it up. I had to suck it up the day I was told as we were at Becker's father's wedding reception. I had to suck it up the day of the funeral because I couldn't be there.

Sometimes I wish I could win the lotto so that I could delegate a certain amount to be invested and the profits used to go be with my family every school holidays. In my family xmas is a big deal, at least on my mum's side. The one day of the year when if you can get there you do. With Becker's mother we get told over and over, we are spending xmas as a family, and that includes their future son-in-law, and we will fit you in one day after then. What the fuck?????? So being her oldest child doesn't make him part of the family?? See that does my head in. I love my children with all my heart and I will always want them a part of my life and they will always be part of my family NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!!

My oldest was lucky with his court hearing. He was given 12 months probation with no conviction recorded. It could and probably should have been a lot worse than that. What he did none of us can comprehend. He went to a park and held a knife to a girl's throat. He didn't hurt her physically but sure as hell would have caused emotional trauma. He didn't do it for kicks and he didn't try and hide it. In fact he waited for the police to turn up and arrest him. He ended up spending over a month in juvie waiting for bail which fortunately for him he got. I am so thankful he didn't get a harsher sentence but I can imagine how angry that girl and her family must be. In their eyes he is getting away with what he did. Why did he do it? He had been diagnosed with depression, he had been through hell with events that had been happening in his life but that is not my story to tell. The doctors had decided he didn't need his meds etc etc. Basically he took very drastic measures to get noticed and get the help he desperately needed. How wrong that a 16 year old should have to resort to that!

Right now I just want to lay down and give up on everything. I feel like a failure as a parent when I have 3 children who just don't want to listen or care. I just want to be back with my family but I don't want to have to tear these kids apart from either their father or me to do it. I just want to pack my bags and walk away from all my responsibilities and disappear. I am tired physically and emotionally. And while I know atm it is past time to get to sleep that is not the tired I am talking about. I am the one that has to push and shove to get things done. Phone calls aren't made unless I do them or stand over Becker while he does them. Bills don't get paid unless I do them and atm I am the one having to scrape together the money to pay for everything apart from rent and since I don't work and I am relying on family assistance that gets hard and draining.

Time to go. Becker has finished early.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Kids Central

Boy what a busy afternoon I ended up having. My friend/neighbour's daughter has been visiting her this last week and she has her sons aged nearly 3 years old and three month old with her. I looked after the 3 month old for a couple of hours so nearly 3 and mum could spend some one on one time together. Then my friend finished work and I wandered over with the kids to see what time I was needed to babysit both the kids while they did some personal shopping. It was decided that I would leave my 3 there while I quickly did the grocery shopping.

I was finished and back by half 5 when all the kids came back over to our house and they got picked up again about 8 at which time Tasha decided she needed her "afternoon" nap which lasted less than an hour but about 9 my friend needed to duck back out and her daughter had gone out with friends so the 3 month old ended up back at our place again. The nearly 3 was asleep and left under his uncle's care.

But I came to the conclusion today that while I do still have times when I would like another baby, my life wouldn't be over if I didn't. I enjoyed having the baby here but Tiffany was cluckier than me though at least I know that until the novelty wore off, the only time I would have to do anything for another baby would be dirty nappies and feeds. Tiffany barely let the little fellow out of her arms!

I made some more cookies and cream ice-cream tonight. Good thing the recipe is so easy because everyone but Eddie scoffs it! Eddie has never really been a sweets kid. Makes easter hard but at the same time means we don't have to worry too much about missing out being the adults cause his is there for us! He likes his chocolate plain but doesn't like the little solid eggs!

As for Tasha and Tiffany, they have well and truly inherited their sweet tooth from me! But Becker had better watch out cause Tiffany has developed a liking for dark chocolate which used to be his domain. He has always preferred dark over milk chocolate so for easter he got 2 blocks of dark chocolate, one of which was 70% cocoa so really rich for him. Plus he got a dark chocolate "bunny with the bell" lol

We still have to do the easter thing when we have the step kids next weekend which makes easter (as well as christmas) a bit more expensive. Not only do we have to buy from the easter bunny but also from us. Some people can't understand this but I think it is wrong that our kids get easter bunny stuff but nothing from us when we give the stepkids something. After all, they don't know that we are the ones that buy it all and imagine how unloved they would feel thinking that we didn't love them enough to buy them something for easter. I know it sounds complicated but to try and simplify things. ALL the kids get a visit from the easter bunny (our kids at home and the stepkids at their place) then because it is the "done thing" for the non-custodial parent to give the kids a present for the event it would mean that our kids get the one lot from the easter bunny while the stepkids get 2 lots - 1 from the bunny and one from us. Kids have a very strong sense of what is fair and what is not and they know that isn't fair.

The same goes for christmas but I try to set a limit on what we spend and what santa spends on each child though this year santa is contemplating the merits of a swing set. I am sure Becker will have an opinion on this and it would probably not be good lol. And yes I know it is 8 months away but I effectively have 8 kids to plan for so I tend to work on it through the year.

Which reminds me, we have a birthday to think about in less than a weeks time and presents haven't been sorted!!

My mind has gone blank so I will finish up now!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Catch Ups

It's been quite a while since I got to post anything. A lot of that has been a simple time factor. By the time I get a chance to sit down at the end of the night I am too tired to want to spend a lot of time typing. Another part is there seems to be so much going on that I wouldn't know where to start.

It is currently school holidays and while I enjoy getting a sleep in I have a 4 year old that is counting down sleeps. We count down sleeps til he goes back to school and sleeps until we have sticks and paper (barbecue, another story) and sleeps until we have McMummy meal (friday nights), etc, etc. Now I am happy that he loves school but it is very draining when your child is obsessed with going and there is 2 weeks school holidays to get through!

Tonight I finally finished his "school" track pants and jumpers. They are a wonderful bottle green and I am sick of the colour. Have had 6 years already with Tiff but I have usually bought her uniform. But Eddie has to be different and doesn't like bought pants because the elastic annoys him. The difference is that bought pants have the elastic stitched in place whereas mine is just loose in the waistband. I wasn't going to muck around with putting in side pockets so he has 2 pockets on the back of each pair and his jumpers have the pocket on the front where his both his hands can go in, just like Daddy's jumper!

I am over the knock knock jokes as well but there is no ignoring them if you want any chance of keeping sanity intact. Generally it goes:
"knock knock"
"who's there?"
"Eddie"
"Eddie who?"
"Eddie loves Mummy"
Now that was sweet to start with and was also a stirrer for Daddy cause he would give a really funny reaction over the fact it wasn't him but Tasha also does it. The other night it went along these lines:
"Naknock" (little hand punches once at air"
"Who's there?"
"Atashie"
"Atashie who?"
"Atashie loves mummy"
Next time around - loves mummy - and then - loves bird - and then.... you get the picture. They learnt knock knock from one of the wiggles dvd's but don't grasp the fact it is meant to be funny and not just repeatative. I know they will grow up and one day I will miss it but it's a bit like watching the same movie over and over again. It is mind-numbing!!

Now would probably be a good time to explain the sticks and paper. Tasha kept coming inside with black on her and it was finally traced back to the brick barbecue which we had only used to burn private papers in until now. We have been living here for 6 years but hey, better late than never lol. So Daddy in his infinite (and bloody stupid!!!!!!!!!) wisdom decides to show her what the barbecueis actually intended for. So they went around the yard collecting sticks and leaves and such and Daddy built them a nice fire.

For my part I decided to be mean and put him on the spot and produced sausages and onion for them to cook along with a roll of alfoil since the plate was definitely not clean (it is now but I still produce the alfoil to cut down on my work cleaning the hotplate). Now we are constantly being nagged for sticks and paper so we have set aside Saturday nights as we only have 2 nights a week to eat dinner as a whole family and one of those nights is McMummy night where I can cook food just for the adults to enjoy without worrying about who will eat what!

I have also made curtains for Becker's room. Some nice, bright, cheerful ones. They have replaced a fading dark grey one which was only for the purpose of helping to darken the room but which also helped the room look drab. I have some floral curtain material for Tiff's room to replace the kiddie one that is currently there and is the worse for wear. I can't do much about the clown wallpaper unless the landlord agrees for it to be stripped which would be a massive amount of work moving things and painting but it will at least give the room a touch of grown up.

We also had a funeral on the 30th March for Becker's grandfather who succumbed to cancer. It was very quick and for that we are thankful that he didn't have to suffer a great deal. He died on the 22nd and will be greatly missed by all. He was one of only a couple of people that I felt really accepted me into Becker's family and even though we didn't see them very often I thought he was a wonderful man. He valued his family more than anything to the point only one of his children was biological. The other 7 were his step-children who were aged 15 months to 15 years when he married their mother but he treated them all as his own. I do regret not pushing Becker to keep in better contact with his family as I think he would have been a good influence on Tiff and possibly even helped her open up a bit more.

I also missed my grandfathers funeral back in 2002 so in some ways this was also a surrogate funeral for me to say goodbye to another great man. I can only hope that the men of today and the men to come will aim to become like the men who have been.

Becker used to look up to his father but since he married his current wife and since Becker has been with me he has become an absolute prick. He did suffer a brain injury from a burst aneurism but he also has Becker's ex-wife up his arse and in his ear. I really think the stupid woman has told his whole family that I caused their marriage break up despite the fact that I didn't meet him until 6 or more months after he moved out. But then we are talking about a woman who appears incapable of providing the basic medical needs for her children, usually because it isn't convenient. She couldn't even notice the youngest child has epilepsy and needed the school to tell her there was a problem. I had been saying for 2 years before then that there was a problem but I am the competition and I am just causing problems. But better get off that subject or I am likely to get very insulting about the woman. And no it's not sour grapes. After all I have what she couldn't keep or make happy, Becker!

Yes we have had our ups and downs and believe me the downs were a long way down but with a lot of fighting, perserverance, 8 months separation, and a hell of a lot of heartache for all of us we seem to have managed to build a solid relationship. It's not always bells, whistles and fireworks but hey there are 3 kids in the house and it's part of life to sometimes get caught up in the whirlwind of living but there are the times we manage to get 5 minutes to ourselves like last night lying down watching tv, snuggled into each other (ok I admit we were both trying to find some warmth) and dozing off for 5 minutes. We have been under the weather with a cold I have been fighting for a week and him for a few days so the nap was well needed. But sometimes that is all a couple needs, 5 minutes not talking or getting it on but just being.

It is very rare for us to have kid free time. His family aren't there as a support network. The last time I asked his sister to babysit she didn't even bother returning my messages and then chose to ignore Becker when I told him what I had been trying to plan as a surprise and he messaged to ask her.

Well this is more than long enough. I have a game patch to install (sorry dear, spoils all your fun! lol) and then a message to send once I am settled in bed to let Becker know that I am going to sleep.

See ya