Today, or more specifically tonight was one of those nights. You know the one, when you want to pack your bags and just walk out! A major part is darling Tasha who has discovered how to have the kicking and screaming and throw yourself all over the floor tantrums! What she hasn't discovered is that it isn't getting her anywhere with me. But she gets a reaction when she goes and hurts one of the other kids. Usually a smack on the backside or hand and sent to bed until she calms down. I eventually sent Becker a message telling him that the way she was going she would be black and blue before she went to sleep. Besides the constant hitting and hair pulling and toy snatching etc on her part, she unrolled yet another roll of toilet paper into the toilet. That was the last straw for me and I sent her to her bed and told her if she knew what was good for her not to show her face to me again for the rest of the night.
I guess she took me literally cause she pulled her blanket over her head and went to sleep. Later when I carefully pulled the blanket back a bit, she stirred and again covered her head. Pity she didn't stay asleep. Becker stopped home, probably to do a body count and perhaps see if any of them needed medical attention, so she decided she had had a nap so time to get back up again. Boy did she get a rude shock! She was sent back to bed again and again and again and again....... You get the picture. I had to laugh when he made the comment "She is a persistent little shit". Why did he think she was in so much trouble for the night? Cause she had been a perfect little angel?? I think it would be safe to say it was because she was being a persistent little shit.
Eddie wasn't being much help. Half the time it was something he did that upset her, though to give him credit most of the time it upset her only because she didn't do it first! But he was also being naughty. He kept telling me he wanted a drink, to which he got my standard "that's nice". Eventually I asked him if he thought it would be a good idea to use his manners with his mummy. He gave a very clear and definite "NO" as an answer to which he was told that since he won't be nice to me he can go without! Yet again Daddy came to the rescue when he came home and reminded him to use his manners and to tell me he was sorry and to ask properly.
Tiffany was doing really well tonight heading off at bedtime to clean her teeth. Pity it took her an hour to clean her teeth and sort her bed out and she finally remembered to bring her lunchbox out to the kitchen. It was only a day late! Yet she didn't think about giving me the school newsletter from Tuesday that was sitting on the floor of her room. She spent the day either watching TV or reading apart from when we dragged her out the house when we went out. She had to be told yet again to empty the recycling which everyone was falling over since it was overflowing. Turns out the overflow was equivalent to another crate full. That is the one real housework job she has apart from supposedly keeping her room reasonably clean and she still can't remember it. She was already in bed when she found my final straw with her. Yet again she hadn't bothered to get her uniform ready for tomorrow so she would have had to come into my room to get her skirt which could wake up Eddie if he was still asleep. Sounds trivial but it is the trivial things that build up and bring everything to a head.
Sometimes it feels like I spend my whole life being for everyone else and not getting to be for me or getting what I want. Right now I am having a real problem with being homesick. I just want to be with my family. My oldest son had his court hearing on Tuesday and I didn't even know the exact date it was on, nor could I be there to support him or Mum. I haven't seen my son for over 4 years!! We just can't afford the airfares (min $600 per person plus expenses). We were meant to be there now, having moved back to Qld but Becker pulled the plug on that a few months ago, after I had spent 4 months planning, buying a van, etc. Seems he couldn't stand the idea of moving away from a family he rarely sees or is interested in seeing. I had even worked out with some tough saving he could come over to see them once a year or pay the airfares for his kids to visit us once or twice a year. Instead I am stuck here being the support network for him and the kids but what choice do I have? Tear this household apart because my heart is aching beyond description with the need to be near my firstborn and my parents? To spend time with my grandmother before she dies? To be able to attend her funeral when that does happen? I missed my grandfather's funeral and I had to suck it up. I had to suck it up the day I was told as we were at Becker's father's wedding reception. I had to suck it up the day of the funeral because I couldn't be there.
Sometimes I wish I could win the lotto so that I could delegate a certain amount to be invested and the profits used to go be with my family every school holidays. In my family xmas is a big deal, at least on my mum's side. The one day of the year when if you can get there you do. With Becker's mother we get told over and over, we are spending xmas as a family, and that includes their future son-in-law, and we will fit you in one day after then. What the fuck?????? So being her oldest child doesn't make him part of the family?? See that does my head in. I love my children with all my heart and I will always want them a part of my life and they will always be part of my family NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!!!
My oldest was lucky with his court hearing. He was given 12 months probation with no conviction recorded. It could and probably should have been a lot worse than that. What he did none of us can comprehend. He went to a park and held a knife to a girl's throat. He didn't hurt her physically but sure as hell would have caused emotional trauma. He didn't do it for kicks and he didn't try and hide it. In fact he waited for the police to turn up and arrest him. He ended up spending over a month in juvie waiting for bail which fortunately for him he got. I am so thankful he didn't get a harsher sentence but I can imagine how angry that girl and her family must be. In their eyes he is getting away with what he did. Why did he do it? He had been diagnosed with depression, he had been through hell with events that had been happening in his life but that is not my story to tell. The doctors had decided he didn't need his meds etc etc. Basically he took very drastic measures to get noticed and get the help he desperately needed. How wrong that a 16 year old should have to resort to that!
Right now I just want to lay down and give up on everything. I feel like a failure as a parent when I have 3 children who just don't want to listen or care. I just want to be back with my family but I don't want to have to tear these kids apart from either their father or me to do it. I just want to pack my bags and walk away from all my responsibilities and disappear. I am tired physically and emotionally. And while I know atm it is past time to get to sleep that is not the tired I am talking about. I am the one that has to push and shove to get things done. Phone calls aren't made unless I do them or stand over Becker while he does them. Bills don't get paid unless I do them and atm I am the one having to scrape together the money to pay for everything apart from rent and since I don't work and I am relying on family assistance that gets hard and draining.
Time to go. Becker has finished early.
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